Beyond Vica Read online

  “Hey. What’s up?” His voice is weak. It sounds as if it takes every ounce of breath he has to talk.

  “Not much. We’re waiting on you to get home. I take my driver’s test on Saturday. We need to take a drive in my Jeep.” Brody answers as if it’s just a normal day and our best friend doesn’t look like death is creeping in on him.

  Sam coughs for long minute. Now it feels as if the hold on my heart has progressed to someone trying to rip it from my body.

  “That’s cool,” he finally manages to get out.

  There’s something I need to say. I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that this may be the last chance to get it out. “Sam?”

  “Hi, Gabs,” he answers with a weak smile.

  “If I don’t get a chance to tell you later, thanks for being the best friend anyone could ever have.” My voice cracks and I try with all my might to pull it back together.

  “Hey, that’s my line.” His chuckle sends him into another coughing spell.

  “Did I miss something?” Brody raises his eyebrows at me.

  I shake my head. “Sam, I love you.” My heart hammers in my chest. I’ve never told him that before, but I need to. I know all too well how once a moment is gone, you can never get it back.

  “I love you too, Gabs.” His voice is near a whisper. “Take care of her for me, Brody. She can be a…challenge.”

  “You don’t have to tell me.” Brody gives a nervous giggle. “You get better so you can help me. It takes two of us to keep her in line.”

  “Gabby, don’t cry,” Sam gasps in between breaths.

  I touch my face. Tears pour like rain from my eyes. I can’t remember the last time I cried like this. I wipe the tears away and clear my throat. “I’m okay. I just miss you, that’s all. You get better.” I blow him a kiss.

  He pretends to catch the kiss in his hand and places it on his heart. Marie’s voice comes from the background. “Sam, you need to rest now.”

  He nods. “See you guys.”

  “See you later,” Brody and I answer as one voice.

  “Man, that was hard!” Brody rests his head in his hands, his elbows propped on his knees.

  I’m speechless. The weight of the last few minutes is heavy on my soul. I know in my heart that it will be the last time I’ll speak to him.

  Brody eventually lifts his head, turning his face to mine. His eyes are wet. A tear travels down his cheek. I wipe it away with my thumb. He captures my hand in his and presses my fingers to his lips. I can’t tear my eyes away from his.

  We stare at each other without speaking, yet a whole conversation passes between us. He leans close to my face. His lips touch mine. They are so soft. I didn’t know a boy’s lips could be so soft. I kiss him back. He pulls away after a minute. His glorious gray eyes penetrate mine. My whole world has been turned upside down in the last few minutes.

  Chapter Twelve

  Brody breaks the silence filling the space between us on the swing. “I’ve wanted to kiss you since we were in sixth grade.”

  My jaw drops. “Really?” Over the last few weeks I’ve felt guilty for crushing on him, and he’s wanted to kiss me for the last three years?

  “I was so jealous that Sam got to be your first kiss at outdoor education.” His face is flushed. In all of the years we’ve been friends, I’ve never seen him blush.

  “Three years? You’ve wanted to kiss me for three years? I’ve been torturing myself for weeks over crushing on you. Feeling guilty for wanting to touch your dimples, and all this time you’ve wanted to kiss me.” I can’t believe I just spilled all that.

  A grin materializes across his face. The dimples that tortured me for weeks are so deep I can’t take my eyes off of them. “You’ve been crushing on me? You want to touch my dimples?” His eyes twinkle.

  My face burns with embarrassment. “Yeah,” I confess. “I felt guilty because of what Sam is going through. We all need each other right now. I thought I shouldn’t be feeling things that could change our friendship.” I can’t look at him now.

  Brody tangles his fingers through mine. “I know what you mean. I was jealous when I saw you and Sam dancing. The guilt was killing me. That was his moment. I shouldn’t have been feeling that way. When we talked in the hall about…your dad, I felt so close to you. I thought about kissing you then, but it wasn’t the right time.”

  I now know what the saying “butterflies in your stomach” means. I think a swarm of them must be fluttering through mine right now. I gaze into Brody’s face, and this time I lean in to kiss him.

  When we break, I tug him off of the swing. “I want to show you something.” He follows me into my bedroom. I pull the paper from behind the picture of us on the wall and plop onto my bed. I fold my legs under me. The bed dips when he sits beside me. I unfold the paper and hand it to him.

  He studies it, reading the words and date written under the two flowers. He glances up at me. “Cool. You have your dad’s fingerprints on a flower.”

  I nod. “I used to take that picture with me to kindergarten every day after the accident. I would get it out and trace my fingers over his fingerprints. I pretended I was touching his fingers.”

  “Oh, wow. I’m sorry you had to go through that.” He rubs my arm.

  I shake my head. “That’s not why I’m telling you this. This picture is how I met Sam.”

  He tilts his head and looks down at me. I continue, “I used to sit by myself on the playground and trace my dad’s fingerprints. Sam came over and asked me what I was doing, and I told him that I missed my dad. Sam said that it was okay, I’d see him after school. I told him that my dad was gone, in Heaven.”

  Brody scoots closer, puts his arm around me, and pulls me next to him so that we both look at the picture now resting on his lap.

  “He asked where Heaven was. I told him that it was someplace in the sky. He said we could pretend we were astronauts and go look for my dad. He told me that was what he was going to be when he grew up, so he could look at the stars.” Tears fall down my face again. I can’t believe it. For years I haven’t cried more than a tear or two, and for the second time today they fall freely down my face. Brody wipes them with his thumb.

  “We ran to the jungle gym and climbed up the slide. We pretended we were taking off on a rocket ship.” My eyes meet Brody’s. I smile as I recall what happened next. “Then, a cute little boy with dark hair and gray eyes asked us if he could play.”

  His face lights up. “I remember that. We used to pretend the jungle gym was our space station.” I nod and rest my forehead against his.

  ****

  I walk outside with Brody when his mom comes to pick him up. It’s dark now, so the stars sparkle like diamonds. We both look up and find Vica without speaking. We don’t need to. We both know the other is thinking about Sam. Brody’s mom waves at me from the end of my drive as she walks around the Jeep to get into the passenger seat.

  “Mom’s good about letting me drive. Dad stresses too much,” Brody says.

  “Good luck tomorrow. Text me after your driving test. I’ll be at my first group meeting at hospice when you’re taking your test.” I roll my eyes.

  “Good luck to you, too. It’ll be okay, Gabs.” He rubs his hand over his hair and glances at his mom. “Well, I’ll see ya later.” He squeezes my hand before jogging down the drive.

  “See ya,” I call after him and watch him pull away in his black Jeep.

  After I’ve changed into my PJs, I fold the picture that holds so many memories and tuck it under my pillow. The developments of the day run like a slideshow through my mind. Sam looked so sick and weak. I can feel deep inside me that he’s slipping away. It hurts so bad. At the same time, my relationship with my other friend has taken on a whole new level. I’ve shared things with Brody that I’ve never told anyone. I can’t even get started on how he kisses. My face burns at the memory of it.

  I’m a little nervous about tomorrow. It’s hard for me to open up to people, especially
strangers. I told mom I’d try it once. I don’t plan on going back after tomorrow. That’s the last thing I remember thinking before I fall to sleep and dream of Sam, Brody, and me traveling to space in a rocket ship.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I scan the faces of the circle and come to rest on Jamie from my English class. I almost don’t recognize her. Her hair is now turquoise. She has a pink stud in her nose and is wearing black lipstick. She has on long sleeves despite the fact it’s 80 degrees outside.

  “What about you, Gabby? What’s something you do to cope when you have feelings that are hard to deal with?” The group leader, Mr. Lang calls on me. His legs are crossed with a notebook on his lap.

  My legs stick to the metal chair. I shift my body and my tug my shorts legs down under me. “Well, I usually get my basketball and shoot hoops for a while.”

  Mr. Lang nods his approval. “It’s okay to let yourself feel the pain while you are shooting baskets. If you try to push it away, it will only come back stronger.”

  My eyes focus on my fingers as I twist a pink string unraveling at the bottom of my tank top. I nod so that he knows I heard him.

  “Jamie, would you like to share something? I believe last week you told us your way to cope was writing.” Mr. Lang shifts his attention to Jamie, who unfolds a paper.

  “Yes, I brought something I wrote to share.” She clears her throat. “'We were created from the same spark of light, forever connected as one soul. A connection so strong, I knew the second your light on Earth went out. I knew because part of my soul grew dark. Someday, our souls will meet again to ignite the spark. Only then will my soul feel whole again.'”

  Silence blankets the room. A boy with blond, spikey bangs hangs his head. I think I see him wipe his eyes. I’m not sure because my vision is blurred by the pools of water formed in my eyes. I swallow hard. I’ve never heard words that can carry so much weight yet are amazingly beautiful at the same time. That’s not all. Jamie’s words carry a truth that I’ve been trying to figure out. I have to talk to her.

  ****

  Brody passed his driving test. He’s on his way to pick me up. I slip my flip-flops off and curl my legs under me on the porch swing, unable to get Jamie’s words out of my head. I didn’t have a chance to talk to her after the meeting. She left so fast.

  Brody turns into the drive with the top off of his Jeep. His music vibrates into the air. I slip on my pink flip-fIops and rush down the steps. Brody smiles at me under his shades. He has on a neon tank top, allowing his arms to show off the curves of his muscles. I have to remind myself to breathe at the sight of him.

  “Hey, beautiful. Hop in!” He pats the passenger seat. Heat fills my cheeks. It’s strange to hear him call me that. I like it. I’m just not used to it.

  I pull my seatbelt across my pink tank and click it in place. “Your Jeep is amazing. You’re lucky your dad has his own car lot.”

  “It’s not free. I have to work for it this summer at the dealership. I’m washing cars and whatever else he finds for me to do.” He looks sideways at me.

  “This is so cool!” I feel grown up. No more feeling lame when mom drops me off at school while the older kids drive by in their own cars. Brody will pick me up for the last two weeks of school. In the fall, I’ll drive myself. “I love this song!” I turn up the volume.

  Brody strums his fingers on the steering wheel. We both belt out the words to “Cruise” by Florida Line and Nelly. I slip off my flip-flops and put my feet on the dash, something my mom never lets me do. The wind whips my hair around my face. Part of me feels guilty that I’m having fun and Sam can’t experience this.

  ****

  That night I lie in bed with my notebook and stare at the only two words I’ve managed to write in the last ten minutes: Dear Sam. Mr. Lang had asked the group to come with a letter written to our “loved one.” I decide to give the group thing another go next week.

  I have a million things I want to say, yet I can’t think of a single thing to write down. The words are stuck inside me. I’m not sure how to let them out.

  There’s a soft tap on my bedroom door before it’s eased open. Mom walks in, her expression bleak. She sits on the side of my bed and takes my hand. “Sam’s mom just called. His cancer is aggressive. They’ve upgraded it to Stage 4.”

  My throat closes. I’m not surprised. I’d been feeling like this time was different. Hearing the words aloud, though, made it real. I’m afraid to ask it, but I have to. “How long?” The words are barely a whisper from my lips.

  Mom strokes the side of my face; her eyes well up. “A week, maybe two.”

  I feel like someone has just sucked the air from my lungs. My chest tightens.

  “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.” Mom pulls me to her chest. I lie against her and allow her to hold me, like she used to when I woke up screaming from bad dreams. Only this is a nightmare I can’t wake up from.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Sleep eluded me the rest of the weekend. Hidden behind sunglasses, my eyes burn from lack of sleep and crying. My hair’s still damp from my morning shower. It’s pointless to put makeup on; I’d just wash it away with my tears.

  Silence fills the air on our ride to school. Brody pulls into a student parking space with the sunrise in front of us. He removes his sunglasses and places them in the Jeep’s console. Dark pools have formed under his eyes and the corners of his mouth turn down.

  Our hand-in-hand stroll across the parking lot is met with curious glances. It could be people aren’t used to Brody driving to school, but I know it’s because we’re holding hands. I have to resist the urge to give them all the finger. Who wouldn’t be curious, though? Brody can have his pick of any girl in the school, and he’s holding hands with me. Moody Gabby.

  When we reach my locker, Brody kisses my forehead. “I’ll see you at lunch.”

  “Okay.” I nod. We don’t have class together until English, which is after lunch. I wish we could stay together.

  The morning was a blur. I’ve gone from hurting to feeling numb. Maybe it’s my body’s way of getting me through today. The news spread about Sam’s condition. There’s an awkward silence when anyone’s near me. They’re probably viewing me as a ticking time bomb after my outburst last week combined with the news that Sam’s condition is bad.

  Brody waves to me from a table with Rachel and some of the other girls. Rachel dabs her eyes with a napkin. I see Jamie’s turquoise hair at the table behind them. She’s sitting by herself.

  “I’m going to sit over there. Save me a seat in English,” I say to Brody when I reach the table and bob my head toward Jamie.

  He glances over at Jamie and then looks at me with a puzzled expression. “Okay.”

  I take a deep breath and head to Jamie’s table.

  “Do you mind if I sit here?” I don’t wait for an answer. I plop my tray across from Jamie and slide onto the bench.

  Her mouth is open, ready to take a bite of her sandwich, and she pauses to eye me. She keeps a straight face. “Looks like I don’t have a choice.” She takes a bite without taking her eyes off of me. They’re such a deep blue, like pictures I’ve seen of the Indian Ocean on the Travel Channel.

  I sip my milk. “What you shared in group on Saturday was beautiful. You’re a good writer.” I don’t waver under her intense eyes, matching her gaze.

  “Thanks.” She picks up a bottle of water and tilts it to her mouth.

  I clear my throat and continue. “The way you talked about your soul being connected to…”

  “My brother.” She finishes the sentence for me.

  “It sounded so much like what I’ve been feeling with my best friend.” I look down at my fork and twirl it through my mac and cheese. “I can feel him slipping away, deep down inside. I felt it before we even found out that he’s now in the last stage of cancer and isn’t going to make it.”

  “Gabby, isn’t it?” Her face has softened.

  I feel kind of stupid. I sat down and poured out
all of this to her and I haven’t even told her my name. “Yeah. And you’re Jamie, right?”

  She nods. “Why aren’t you sitting with the plastics, like your friend?” She gestures toward Rachel’s table with her water bottle before placing it on the table.

  Her reference to the movie Mean Girls brings a chuckle out of me. I like this girl already. “I wanted to talk to you. I looked for you after the meeting on Saturday, but you were already gone.”

  She thinks for a long minute. “I knew the moment my brother died in a car crash. I’ll never forget that moment. I was listening to music on my bed. I got a feeling I can’t explain, like something inside me was gone. I remember looking at my alarm clock on the stand; it said 8:55 p.m. I found out later that the time of his crash was eight fifty-five that night.”

  What can you say to something like that? I wait in silence for her to continue.

  “I did an Internet search about it, trying to find out if anything like that ever happened to anyone else. It turns out I’m not alone. There were lots of stories like mine. Some people have bonds so tight, it’s like they’re connected in spirit.” She shoves her tray aside and rests her elbows in its place. I notice the black lettering of a tattoo on her forearm.

  “I get that.” I sigh. “I’m glad I got to talk with you, even though I’m probably missing out on more important things like the latest social scandals of the freshman class.” I wave my thumb in the direction of Rachel’s table and smile.

  Jamie returns my smile. We talk for the last fifteen minutes of the lunch period. I’ve never felt that comfortable talking with anyone besides Sam and Brody. I learned that her brother, Jarod, was her twin. They were raised by their grandmother who passed away last year, which is why she’s here. She came to Dublin to live with her great-aunt. She never met her dad, and nobody knows where her mom is. Her mom left Jamie and her brother when they were little to run off with some drug dealer she was supposedly in love with.